The Deployment Puzzle

Hello Readers!

We are on Day 20, now, of our Deployment and things are... well... normal.

The first couple of weeks were sort of in the gray of things; not really the emotional mess everyone thought it would be for us. Numb, mostly. Not to say we didn't have our moments. There were several nights where Chuug cried for Daddy at bedtime until I climbed in with him. There were days where I forgot that Habibi was gone, only to suffer the horrible letdown once I realized or remembered that he wasn't coming home from work that day, or that the reason the car is in the driveway is because he left it there, not because he'd just pulled up or come in from a long day. But things just moved along- the world doesn't stop, you know. After a while you come to realize it and just keep on swimming (just keep swimming, just keep swimming...), and that's what we're doing.

I was pretty surprised that there wasn't much of a backlash. You know- where your husband leaves and suddenly everything that can go wrong does, pushing you into a complete meltdown in the first week? Yeah. That didn't happen. Instead, everything just kind of fell into place- as though someone is over your shoulder telling you which puzzle pieces go where, but it's still up to you to put them in their rightful spots. So here I am, putting the pieces where they need to go. It's kind of funny; I never would have thought of Deployment as a big puzzle to put together, but it makes sense to look at it that way, now. Sometimes you lose a piece or two and have to spend time looking, sometimes you put pieces in the wrong places and don't realize it til later... and sometimes, no matter how hard you try, you just can't find where the damned thing goes! But eventually you get it.

Our most recent piece in our Deployment Life puzzle: School! There were a few hoops to jump through (got to love the El Paso Independent School District) but, after looking around and finding the right pieces, everything came together just in time to get the kiddo registered and ready. Come Monday, I'll be walking Chuug to his first day of Kindergarten, armed with new clothes and a backpack full of supplies. He's excited and I'm a nervous wreck! What am I going to do while he's away at school all day? I know some of you are reading and thinking "Um, how about a bottle of wine? Dance around the house naked! Watch all of YOUR shows on TV for a change! Take a bath WITHOUT a tub full of toys!" HA!

I remember Chuug's first day of Pre-School, before we pulled him out, moved to Fort Bliss and homeschooled him. After we followed the bus, met him at his school and walked him to class, my Father in Law took me for beignets at Cafe du Monde and then dropped me off at home. I walked into my apartment, sat on the couch... and stared at the wall. Unlike most parents in today's world, I refused to send the kiddo to daycare. He stayed home with me every single day since he was born, with the exception of sleepovers with Grammie and PawPaw, during which I still had Habibi around for entertainment. I had absolutely no idea what to do with myself on that first day, being truly alone. After an hour or so of sitting in my silent apartment, I went for a walk (which turned into almost eight full miles) and didn't return home until it was time to meet the bus.

Reading that, I'm sure you can see where the idea of the kiddo starting Kindergarten while the hubby is deployed can be a terrifying concept.

CUE THE GAME PLAN!

Not only is it good for Deployments, but it's good for Moms of first-time school-aged kids, too! I'm so glad I came up with one.

I've already started working on the crafty parts of my list- such as creating our family Scrapbook; I've been sketching out page designs and picking out photos to use. I'm a planner, so I have to plan my pages out before I make them, unlike some of those amazing gals who get handed a bunch of supplies and they just throw it all together in one sitting. I wish! 
Also on the crafty end, I haven't been able to get back to painting yet (kind of been waiting on the kiddo to start school for that one), however, I have found another crafting outlet that I absolutely love! Right before he left, Habibi dumped a massive pile of old, dirty ACUs in the house. I thought Greeeeeat. More crap to store... But after he left I started eyeballing those uniforms, wondering what I could possibly do with them. What I came up with was a gorgeous wreath for our front door. I'm in love with it, and I was in love with making it. (Honestly, any repetitive, productive motions keep me happy.) So now I'm wanting to make MORE! Hey, a little extra money never hurt, right? Just sayin'! If you want a wreath, you know who to call!

Next part of the Game Plan to kick in? Getting Fit. I love working out. Really, honestly, truly, I do. Having an endorphin high is the best thing in the world, and weight loss is always a plus! But, admittedly, my biggest problem with exercise is actually getting myself up to do it. Not a problem now! Since our home is nearby Chuug's new school, this means I have to wake up, drag my chunky ass out of bed, get dressed and walk the kiddo there every single morning (AND walk back every afternoon!) Once I'm up and going, I am up and going. So I'm just going to drop Chuug off at school every morning... and just keep on going! Turns out our neighbourhood is about 5 miles, collectively, if you walk up and down all the streets. My daily minimum is 3 miles per day, which still adds up to 15 miles per week. I'm READY! ...I think.

So many puzzle pieces! A year doesn't seem long enough!

Deployment Photography... with a little Pin-Up on the side!

If there's one thing I've always wanted to do, since the day I met my husband, it was get professional photos taken; I dreamed of Habibi and I running through the French Quarter- a photographer in tow taking candids... Then, when Chuug came along, I envisioned pictures of our little family in City Park, walking across the bridges and sitting on the old oaks. I thought about collage frames and Christmas cards and everything that came along with those gorgeous family photography sessions our friends were always sending out in the mail or posting on websites. Unfortunately, there never seemed to be a good time- whether it was a busy schedule, tight funds or grueling New Orleans weather conditions.

One thing that seems to be a common belief with military families is this: With a lifestyle that tends to deploy half of our homes across the world for extended periods of time, pictures are a must. Nobody seems to know this better, with the recent deployment of almost our entire post, than the Army Wives of Fort Bliss.

A few months ago, when Deployment was looming, I began to see albums upon albums of family photography sessions in my feed, ranging from absolutely fabulous to PWC (person with camera). Either way, it dawned on me that Habibi would be gone in a few months... and in our seven years together we had never taken professional family photos. I admit, I actually felt a small sense of panic. There are many things many wives don't want to think about when it comes to Deployment, but I will come right out and say that my thought was this: What if something happens? We don't have any beautiful family photos to look back on aside from the random quick "HEY! LOOK AT ME! -click-" camera shot at some family function or the occasional grainy cell phone picture that was immediately uploaded to Facebook.

I immediately began to search.

Now, a major plus to being a military family, stationed at a rather large installation with other military families, is that photographers tend to come up with pretty great offers, deals and discounts. Free photo books, military discounts and credits, payment plans... The biggest is when they offer a Deployment Package. Certainly catches the eye, doesn't it? Hey! We're military! He's about to deploy! That package is perfect!

It's important, however, to not be completely blinded by a good deal. Unfortunately, this is what we learned with our first photography experience here in El Paso. Fair warning; a studio, website, and a Deployment Deal and Military Discount Plan does not always equal up to a professional photographer. Instead, we found that sometimes all you need is someone in your shoes with passion and a camera. That's what we found in Nina.

Nina Roxanne; fellow Army Wife and owner of Nina Roxanne Photography, is absolutely amazing. When our first photography session wound up being a complete dud, she e-mailed me offering her services for a fee, perfectly affordable for our little Army paycheck, to cover our session and a CD with our photos. I was wary- already once burned- but determined to have the perfect family photo shoot.

Right from the beginning of our session Nina was laid back, friendly and fun. Whatever stress, worry and discomfort I felt about doing a second and, in my mind, potentially disastrous photo shoot immediately dissipated when we said our "Hello"s. We loved that she was open to try whatever we wanted along with her own ideas, which were creative and original. While she gave us direction on what kind of shot she wanted to take, she wasn't posey- simply allowing us to be what felt like in our own little bubble, taking candids quietly from the outside, observing our little family instead of moving us around like Barbie and Ken dolls. At times it truly felt like she wasn't even there!

But oh, she was definitely there! Within hours after our shoot we were surprised to see absolutely and unbelievably gorgeous preview photos waiting for us on our newsfeed! We immediately fell in love. In just four previews Nina was able to give the world a peek inside the life of our little family- from special kisses to funny faces.

Not only do I plan to call Nina for another family shoot when Habibi comes home... but I'm also thinking about using her services to help me achieve one of my Deployment Game Plan Goals; GET FIT! If I lose the weight/inches I hope to with this deployment by working hard, I plan to give myself a little Pin-Up Pick-Me-Up! Not sure what I'm talking about? Check out Nina's photography page again- and sneak a little peek at her Pin-Up Photography! For my fellow babes at Bliss who are looking to get a little (or a lot) fit during this deployment, just a suggestion, but I'd add Nina Roxanne Photography to your Deployment Goal List. Just sayin'. 

Look at my little bebe carrying his Daddy Bear! =)

Not to mention Nina offers a fabulous 40% Military Discount to all Reserve, Retired and, of course, Active Duty Military!

And if the Pin-Up thing isn't your style, there are still a million amazing possibilities to be had with Nina and her eye for special moments. The proof is on your screen!

Day Three: Everything's Fine.

Day Three and everything's fine.

Well, not entirely, but that's what seems to appease everyone. It's also the only thing I can really seem to say every time people ask me "am I okay?", "how am I feeling?" or "how am I holding up?". Don't you just love those questions? Sure, they're well meaning, I guess. Some of the time, anyway. Honestly, most of the time I think nobody really wants to know how I'm feeling, they just aren't sure what to say other than to ask the obvious. That's okay. I don't really want to answer. But I do.

Isn't it funny? People ask because they don't know what else to do and we answer with "I'm fine" because we don't know how else to respond. Maybe we should get rid of the whole practice altogether. But until then, "I'm fine. We're fine. Everything's fine."

So Day One was numb, Day Two was emotional, and Day Three turned out to be okay, actually.

It didn't start out too great, though I think it was just the remains of Day Two. Kind of like when you grab a water hose after it's been shut off all night and some water still comes trickling out. I woke up feeling horribly sad and overwhelmed and, before I could even sit upright, burst into tears. I wanted my husband. Plain and simple. After a few minutes I pulled myself up out of bed and moved into the bathtub, so I wouldn't disturb my still-sleeping bebe. I cried a while longer, washed my hair, soaped up, got dressed... and began the day. Because, unfortunately, the rest of the world really doesn't care. The sun isn't going to stop rising, bills aren't going to extend themselves and people aren't going to stay home from work just for me. Not saying I don't wish they would. God, I wish they would. Just for one day. But the reality is I've got bills to pay, a little boy (and cat) to feed and things that need my signature so that our lives can go on as smoothly as possible without Habibi. Staying in bed to cry all day just isn't practical.

Once we got out and going, we got quite a few things things taken care of and/or started- though can I just say that it really sucks to have to handle things acting as my husband under a power of attorney because they couldn't get done before he left? Grumble, grumble. However, it seems people are more understanding and helpful when you're the wife left behind. What seemed to need an entire act of congress while Habibi was here now just takes a simple phone call because he's gone. Thank jeebus for that, at least. Anyway, we got things handled, which took a lot of stress from Day Two off of my shoulders. By the way, we're not even going to touch Day Two. In case you were wondering. I chose not to blog about it because it was filled with things like driving up to the house, seeing our car in the driveway and instinctively smiling, thinking Habibi had come home from work before realizing I was wrong. And that wasn't even the worst part of the day.

The best part of the day was when I glanced at my computer screen to see Habibi's name blinking at the bottom. Good old internet! I admit that even though I knew the first week or so would probably be quiet, I couldn't help but feel jealous and hurt when reading about other gals, who's husbands had left the same day as Habibi, already getting phone calls. I reminded myself how it was with NTC- while other gals were getting a phone call every day or at least a couple of times a week, I had received nothing. Later I found out Habibi had been kept so busy, he never even read more than one of the letters I'd sent him that entire month, much less had any time to call! So I told myself maybe the situation was the same. Maybe they were so busy preparing for what they needed to do that there wasn't any time.

I was right! The boys have been kept super, super busy since arriving at their camp. Still, Habibi managed to get a few minutes of free time to log onto a computer, and I was lucky enough to have been online! Even though we only had a few minutes to chat with each other, my heart completely burst with happiness and relief. Those few simple sentences in a matter of minutes will last me days of comfort, I'm sure. I can't wait to finally have letters in my hands! Could you imagine how long I could last on those? Unfortunately, I have to wait just a little while longer before we can send or receive anything- not until the boys are settled and where they need to be. That's fine. I'll write letters anyway. He'll just get a HUGE stack the first day. =)

In the meantime, we (Chuug and I) have begun working on a couple of small projects; a Deployment 365 album, which consists of one special photo to count down every single day Habibi is away, and then a 365 spinoff called "The Adventures of Daddy Bear", which consists of one picture of Chuugie's Daddy Bear doing something different every day to count down the days. I'm hoping to turn both of them into photo books by the end of the deployment, just to have something sweet to look back on.

The Adventures of Daddy Bear; Days 1, 2 and 3

On top of my little photo projects, I also dragged my scrapbooking drawer out of storage and started drawing out little page designs. If I stick with it, finally putting together our family scrapbook will likely take up the majority of this deployment all on it's own- seeing as I have seven years to put together, PLUS creating pages for this next year, too! Sounds exhausting already! But anything that keeps me distracted is worth working on, no matter how long it takes. Hell... I even considered buying one of those huge puzzles to try and put together. Maybe a Van Gogh print puzzle. Do they have his sunflower painting as a big puzzle? That's something worth looking into. I love sunflowers. In a big bad way.

Anyway, now I'm rambling...

But I just wanted to let everyone know that I'm fine. We're fine. Everything's fine.

Deployment 365; Day 2

Deployment 365; Day 3

Day One.

Yesterday I watched the larger part of the last seven years of my life drive away in an Army bus, leaning over the back of his seat and waving at us out the window behind him. Mothers and wives were standing around me crying... some sniffling, some sobbing, quite a few outright wailing. And what did I do? I pulled my ponytail out of my hair. Because I realized his looking out the window behind him would be the last time he saw us, physically, in real life, just ten feet away... and I wanted him to remember me with my hair down, the way he loves it.

Walking back to the car I readjusted my shirt and then realized I could have worn something better- like my new dress he bought me- than my black wide-leg lounge pants, which I wear to sleep in fifty percent of the time, and a tee shirt. My mind hadn't been straight that morning- comfort was more important than looking pretty. I'm sure Habibi understood that, though. He knows me.

Chuug sitting on Habibi's ruck.

On the ride home I began to analyze the last 24 hours we'd spent together- wondering if we should have done more or done something else to make our final day more special. Looking back on it, really, it was just another ordinary day with each other. I suppose that's just fine, though. To make it more special would just be more heartbreaking for us than to just exist in our life with each other as we always have. Sleeping in, eating breakfast-for-lunch at IHOP, going to the movies to see Captain America and then having dinner just Habibi and I? Just another Saturday... That's fine. Normal and familiar. We tried staying up as late as we could together, just to have more time.

A few short hours after finally falling asleep, we woke in the dark, dressed and played with Chuug so he'd wake in a sweet mood to go to work with Daddy, despite the early hour. We spent the entire day with Habibi while he cleaned out his locker, packed and dropped off his bags for inspection and did formation; mostly hanging out in the locker room, sprawled out on the floor, playing video games with Chuug on his iPod. One nice surprise was when Chuug and I were called up during final manifest to put Habibi's new SPC rank on his uniform, finally. The kiddo slapped his rank on his chest and I put on his new hat. It was that great little something extra.

When Family Time finally came for us, we didn't talk at all. I sat between Habibi's legs, leaning against his lap and chest while he talked to family members on his cell phone. I think it helped to keep me from crying the most- not having to talk about anything.

Playing games together on the iPod.

I heard them announce something over the intercom, but couldn't make out what was said. I was too busy being off in my own mind, so I missed it. Then I noticed women coupling off with their soldiers, standing in frozen hugs in the middle of the floor. I realized what was happening. How fast our hour flew by... He hung up the phone and held onto us tight, kissing our cheeks and foreheads and whispering in our ears. My eyes didn't swell over until he leaned into me for our last kisses, and my face was wet within moments. I remember thinking how jealous I was of him- how he had no tears in his eyes and his voice didn't break when he spoke to us. I remember wondering if he'd cry after he left. When he finally stood and began walking away from us he looked back, turned right around and came back for more, this time with eyes welling and his voice shaking. I smiled at him and smiled at Chuug so he wouldn't be upset or scared.

We watched the boys go into formation and then march out of the gym to the buses. At first we walked the opposite way, back to the car. But then our friend, Matt, asked "Do you want to watch the buses leave?" I stopped walking and stared at Chuug, waiting for his response. Remembering how loaded the question was from his own deployment, Matt said "I understand if you don't. It's really hard." I really didn't. Really, really didn't want to. But I knew the kiddo would. We turned around and walked back toward the long line of white and blue buses.

We couldn't see him, so we slowly began walking up the line. Then Habibi called from his cell phone and said "I'm in the third bus, in the second window... I see you guys." My heart wanted to explode. He was looking for us. We walked up to the front and there he was, waving out of the window. I could only see him for a moment before my vision blurred. When the buses started up, that's when I realized it was truly the moment. The woman to my left sobbed out loud and girls behind me began sniffling and holding onto each other. I pulled my ponytail out of my hair, so the last time he looked at me he'd see me with my hair down, the way he likes it. As the buses pulled off he leaned over the back of his seat and waved at us out of the window behind him.

When the buses were almost out of sight, I pulled out my phone and sent him an "I love you" text. I think had I yelled it out loud no one could have heard me over everyone else. Once they were gone I turned around to see the crowd of people bawling behind me, holding onto each other and talking to their little ones. I grabbed Chuug's hand and we walked through the crowd of crying women to the car.

When we got back to the house, I made a beeline for the bathroom, locked the door, sat on the toilet and silently bawled to myself. Then I wiped my face, fixed my hair and walked out into the livingroom with our friends. When I sat down on the couch, I immediately felt one giant wave of exhaustion wash over me. Within minutes my phone was ringing with calls and texts, and I felt even more exhausted.

I have a firm belief that when one goes through some sort of traumatic or sad situation such as this, there should be a 48 hour waiting period- just as police issue a 48 hour waiting period before filing for missing persons. If you don't hear from me after 48 hours, then bombard me with calls, texts, e-mails and IMs. But in those hours, the first few especially, I'd just like to be alone with my thoughts, taking time to adjust. I know the messages and calls are well-meaning, but to some- to me- it's like salt in a fresh wound. I don't like crying with people around... I don't want to emotionally explode over the phone, either. I just keep thinking (and even saying out loud every time the phone rings) GO AWAAAY! PLEASE JUST LET ME FREAK OUT FOR A WHILE! 

A few hours after we'd returned home, Habibi called from the airport. The flights had been delayed. So we talked- we talked about how Chuug handled everything, talked about the whole day we'd just had. My heart strings tugged so hard when he told me he kept telling himself I wouldn't have wanted to watch the buses leave, but he still looked for us anyway. I told him how much I loved him.

The rest of the day disappeared quickly. Not necessarily a good thing. My most dreaded fear with this deployment was the first night alone. The first night realizing that he didn't walk through the door after work, he didn't throw his dirty uniform on the bed and he isn't here fighting over the good pillow with me. When the time came to climb into bed, Chuug cried for Daddy, as I knew he would and also dreaded. I crawled in beside him to hold him and, after an hour or so, he fell asleep. I, however, was not so lucky. I laid there, staring into the dark, listening to the silence. After a while, the silence itself began to sound like this long, loud, droning noise. I climbed out of bed to dig out the new, unopened bottle of Melatonin Habibi had bought me before he left (I admit, I doubled the maximum dosage) and within minutes I was finally gone.

An hour later I was startled from my sleep by Habibi's ringtone...

"Close your eyes and I'll kiss you, tomorrow I'll miss you, 
and remember I'll always be true...

And then while I'm away, I'll write home every day... 
and I'll send all my loving to you."

He was calling! Calling to tell me they'd made it safely to Checkpoint A and were about to depart for Checkpoint B. I cannot hardly remember any of the conversation now (eff you, Melatonin), but I do remember beginning to cry when he said "This is it. This is the last time I'll be calling you from my phone." I realized that he was right. I wouldn't be hearing his song for a very, very long time.

I don't remember the conversation ending. I don't remember telling him goodbye, or if I even did. I almost thought maybe I'd fallen asleep on the phone, but it was back on the bedside table when I woke which led me to believe I had to have consciously said goodbye or goodnight. I wish I remembered it.

I woke feeling happy this morning that he'd called in the middle of the night, but within my first hour of waking I moved into numbness. And here I've been all day, migrating back and forth between my bed and the couch; trying to keep snuggled and warm, attempting to comfort myself in the most simplest of ways I can find.

This is Day One.

Deployment 365: Day 1
You can tell how the first day went...