Becoming a "Mature Adult" about Infertility

Four years ago today... was a very happy day. The idea of having another baby made us so happy and excited. I spent days, weeks, hell- months imagining and planning and dreaming of our little family growing. That day, Habibi bought me a baby book and I picked out an outfit and baby blanket, which we tucked away in my hope chest, ready for our new addition.

Three years ago today... was a very disheartening and discouraging day. After an entire year of unsuccessful attempts at conceiving our second child, I hoped that moving on to specialists would be what we needed. But at the same time I was slowly becoming pessimistic at our chances after passing the one-year mark.

Two years ago today... was a very depressing day. Another unsuccessful year, despite the help of specialists and fertility medications. I was left with empty arms and a womb full of cysts. I spent the day in tears, feeling sorry for myself and angry at the world.

One year ago today... was a sad day. Our lives had seemingly hit the bottom; physically, mentally and emotionally. Over the year it had become almost painful to talk about fertility and babies. I spent the day sleeping, almost pretending to be sick just to be left alone. I was too sad to talk, too tired to think and too exhausted to cry. I spent the whole day just laying there, mourning the family we still did not have.

Today... is just another day. Just another day I mark down on our big dry-erase calendar. When I went to cross the day off the calendar, I took a long pause and let it sink in. My moment of silence to mourn. I thought of the child we're tried so long for, who has not come. I thought about our son, who has been asking for a sibling that we have not given. I thought about the days we spent with him as a baby over these last years; about how our experiences we had with him will likely not be repeated. I thought about the days that my husband and I spent talking about our big family we wanted and the plans we had.

And then I took a few deep breaths, took a bath, drank my tea and went about my day.

I admit that I took pause a few times today to think about it. It's too hard to let something that's been such a big part of your life and your dreams go- and not think about it on this day. But despite that, I maintained my feelings of calm, acceptance and hope.

I feel like I've suddenly grown up and become a "mature adult" about my infertility.

I wish I had felt this way all the years before.

I'll Be Home for the Holidays?

Oh, winter holidays. You have always been my most favourite time of the year with your cold bundle-up weather, catchy holiday tunes, piping hot drinks and colourful decorations... The happiness and cheer is always so contagious, like an airborne drug. I never understood how someone could be depressed during these times. But oh man... This year stress actually gave the holiday cheer a run for it's money.


I never could understand those wives who would say "We're not going home for Christmas." in my online groups and forums. Who wouldn't want to go home for the holidays? ANY excuse to go home seemed good to me. But, of course, we were a Navy Family, at the time, who had the good luck to be stationed in our own hometown. I was already home for the holidays, not stationed out thousands of miles from home like the rest of the wives and their families, having to watch their budgets and try to plan around others' schedules.


This would have been our first Christmas away from home- however, with a deployment scheduled for the next year, Habibi felt that it would be best if we made the drive back to New Orleans to spend what would be his last Christmas before deployment with our families. I was excited, he was excited, the kiddo was excited- yay, we're going home!


But as much as I loved being home and seeing everyone, when I look back on it now that we're back in EP, I just keep thinking about how stressful it was. It was stressful getting out there- driving the whole 1,150 miles again (oh, the toll it took on our wallet with gas prices...), it was a bit stressful being there and having to work around everyone's schedules and share time (we couldn't even manage to see everyone, which was upsetting), it was stressful driving back home with a heavy, loaded down vehicle (and gas prices again) and now it's just stressful being back home and having to rearrange our bills because we went over our budget. Stress, stress, stress!


Now I just keep thinking about how we could have just saved hundreds of dollars, stayed here and celebrated our own intimate Christimas, just our little family, alone together in our very first home away from home for the very first time.


Maybe that seems selfish, but I'm a pretty logical person- and moving away from home in mid-October, going back home in December and then going home again for Pre-Deployment leave sometime this coming summer just seems a little excessive... Doesn't it? I mean, if we were millionaires then sure. But on the paycheck of a lower enlisted soldier with a family?


I think now I understand the wives who used to post about staying home for the holidays.


I haven't quite decided what the kiddo and I will do next winter when Habibi is deployed. Maybe we'll stay back here, maybe we'll take the shorter trip over to San Diego to visit my father (since it was technically supposed to be his Christmas with us this time) and just save money to be able to make a future trip back to New Orleans when Habibi returns home instead. Or maybe we will just give in and go back next Christmas anyway, since we'll be alone. There are so many factors to be considered and multiple choices.


I'm curious, now, to know what other's policies are on going home for the holidays.