Becoming a "Mature Adult" about Infertility

Four years ago today... was a very happy day. The idea of having another baby made us so happy and excited. I spent days, weeks, hell- months imagining and planning and dreaming of our little family growing. That day, Habibi bought me a baby book and I picked out an outfit and baby blanket, which we tucked away in my hope chest, ready for our new addition.

Three years ago today... was a very disheartening and discouraging day. After an entire year of unsuccessful attempts at conceiving our second child, I hoped that moving on to specialists would be what we needed. But at the same time I was slowly becoming pessimistic at our chances after passing the one-year mark.

Two years ago today... was a very depressing day. Another unsuccessful year, despite the help of specialists and fertility medications. I was left with empty arms and a womb full of cysts. I spent the day in tears, feeling sorry for myself and angry at the world.

One year ago today... was a sad day. Our lives had seemingly hit the bottom; physically, mentally and emotionally. Over the year it had become almost painful to talk about fertility and babies. I spent the day sleeping, almost pretending to be sick just to be left alone. I was too sad to talk, too tired to think and too exhausted to cry. I spent the whole day just laying there, mourning the family we still did not have.

Today... is just another day. Just another day I mark down on our big dry-erase calendar. When I went to cross the day off the calendar, I took a long pause and let it sink in. My moment of silence to mourn. I thought of the child we're tried so long for, who has not come. I thought about our son, who has been asking for a sibling that we have not given. I thought about the days we spent with him as a baby over these last years; about how our experiences we had with him will likely not be repeated. I thought about the days that my husband and I spent talking about our big family we wanted and the plans we had.

And then I took a few deep breaths, took a bath, drank my tea and went about my day.

I admit that I took pause a few times today to think about it. It's too hard to let something that's been such a big part of your life and your dreams go- and not think about it on this day. But despite that, I maintained my feelings of calm, acceptance and hope.

I feel like I've suddenly grown up and become a "mature adult" about my infertility.

I wish I had felt this way all the years before.